Honesty and Being Real.

In at least one of my posts, I mentioned that all the wrong men seem to hit on me. And, while I hate to group men together, I have noticed something they all have in common: elaborate, unbelievable stories that are supposed to somehow impress me.

Let me explain how hilariously unattractive that is.:
Success in whatever it is you do is very sexy. It means you are smart enough to figure things out. It also means that you are ambitious [which often means laziness isn't your forte]. And, the sexiest thing about success is when a person is humble about it. They never use their success [financial, emotional, physical, and/or spiritual] as the most important selling point in the dating field.

Here's a little story about one of the most recent men who attempted to use stories of success to lure me in. Let me just clarify that I never physically found him attractive, and after his hideous attempts at trying to woo me made him far more unattractive than he already was. He would bend my ear for an hour at a time, telling me how he has worked on scripts for indie films, written songs for a bunch of well known musicians, done a bunch of printe and runway modelling, and is writing another book. First of all, while those feats are creatively wonderful, they aren't things that make me want to date a person.

Even in his youth, Bob Dylan wasn't an attractive man, and I probably wouldn't have wanted to persue a relationship with him, even though I find him to be one of the most talented musicians of the 20th [and 21st] century. Tom Perotta is a great writer, and seems to understand human existence. Two of his novels have become movies... But, he's just not my type.

So, as this fella went on and on about all of this stuff that he has apparently done, I couldn't help but think, "am I supposed to be impressed?" and "how do I tell him that he's full of sh*t?" Under normal circumstances, someone of his age [34] and attitude [pretentious] who has accomplished any of the above would be doing any of the following:

1. Working for a record label, most likely as a producer;
2. Working for a movie studio, production company, or working as a self-employed screenwriter/editor;
3. Working for a publishing house, or as a self-employed writer;
4. Working for a modelling agency, as a recruit [because 34 is not usually an age that photographers, runway producers, or fashion clients look for] or manager, or as a runway show producer;
5. Wouldn't be working at MetroSport in Palo Alto, and driving an old minivan.

I understand how business works. I understand how people work. I understand what people need to do in order to really be successful in things that they are passionate about.

He never quite understood why I only spoke to him if he sought me out for a conversation. He never quite understood why he isn't my type... Even when I said "I have standards, and I really don't think we're compatible."

So, everyone of every gender, if you are trying to get a date, be honest, be humble, never be aggressively persistent, especially if the person isn't interested. No one likes a liar. No one likes someone who spouts out bullsh*t. No one likes to be chased after by people they can't stand.

Most of all, don't ever make sh*t up because you think someone is dumb enough to believe you and drop trou.

Lists.

Many women*, as they get older and start settling into grown up lives, makes lists or prioritize. One of the most famous lists is expectations, traits, career and education of potential mates. All of what is on this list correlates with a woman's own background - upbringing, education, career goals, etc.

As an example, let me give you a few things are on my list:
1. He must be family oriented. The size of his family isn't extremely important, but the value of family must be strong and positive. If he has siblings, they must be friendly with each other and without any major feuds. If his parents are alive and well, his respect and admiration for them is well recieved. And, his desire to have a family of his own is essential. But, let me tell you this: if a man who has a strained or nonexistant relationship with his family desires a family of his own, I am less likely inclined to get serious with him.
2. Ambition is sexy. Having healthy goals and seeing that they are reached means he is fairly stable, emotionally/mentally strong, and willing to make the relationship work.
3. Emotional & Mental Stability. Seriously, who doesn't want their mate to be stable? Even if there is a history of depression, anxiety, trauma, etc., if the potential mate is willing and able to learn, grow, and cultivate positivity, the relationship will often times succeed. [Yes, love is a two way street, and everyone needs to give in order to recieve.] I am a woman. PMS is enough of an emotional rollercoaster (which I am happy to and currently doing my best to keep a smooth and steady ride), being with a man that is emotionally all over the place and unwilling to sort it out isn't my ideal situation.
4. Some semblance of Financial Stability is important in any long term and healthy relationship. Granted, you don't need to be millionares to be in a happy relationship (look at all these rich people with trophy wives and mulitple divorces). But, being able to feed, clothe and protect oneself is the core of a healthy human being. Both people in a relationship need to be able to take basic care of themselves. Anything extra allows for buffers. And, financial stability goes hand in hand with the desire to have a family and ambition. In these economical hard times, there isn't much room for laxidasical financial planning. A family oriented couple has to have options: CDs, IRAs, 401k's, a savings account per family member (at least two of those are handy).
5. Physical Health. I find myself more attracted to men who keep themselves in shape. I'm not talking about uber-muscular, Mr. Universe types, just men you know workout 3-5 days a week. Not only does it show that they care about their current state of being, but they probably understand that being healthy in the present often means longevity and less complications with age. Not only does exercise keep you physically healthy, it helps with mental stability. A happy, healthy man is always hot.
6. Experience in physical aspects of a relationship is more appealing to me. I am at an age where I am fairly secure with my sexuality. I know what I like and want "in the bedroom" and am more comfortable sharing that with someone with a decent level of sexual experience. I don't need to be with a Casanova type, but I don't want to be with a monastic type either. While I am willing to educate men on certian things, he should have an above basic understanding of women's sexuality.
7. A Sense of Humour is a must. He doesn't have to be artfully crafted in all sorts of humour, but understanding and amusement at pretty much anything funny allows for a more enjoyable relationship. Not only does he have to be amusing and easily amused, but I appriciate a man who doesn't take life too seriously [backtrack to mental stability]. Laughing is great for the abdominals, as well as your heart and the brain's seratonin levels. Everyone should laugh an hour a day [not all at once, but you know what I mean].
8. A Desire to Learn and/or an education. Intelligence is ubersexy. As a person who loves to learn and is open to experiencing things outside what I know, being with an educated or intelligent person wo loves to learn allows me the freedom to ask questions, explore, and want to share something new with someone. And, there is nothing like a well read man. I have often found that the more a person has read [and enjoyed what they read], the more eloquent they can be. Seriously, who doesn't love eloquence?
9. At least Two Years Older than me. I have found in my 8 years of "serious" dating, it is men a few years older than I am are often more down to earth, willing to be flexible, and less likely to stray. Younger guys [consider that I am 26], in my experience, have seemed more apprehensive, less experienced emotionally and physically, more likely to have "relationship ADD" [unable to be consistent, alert, and in tune with one relationship], and more likely want to explore. And, that is perfectly acceptable. Most guys, in general, aren't ready to settle until they are in their late 20's. I personally love an older guy [as much as 10-13 years older than myself]. Men in their early 30's are much more settled in their career, have [at least] rented their own place for a couple years, are fairly well educated, have a decent amount of sexual practice under their belt, and are happy try monogamy for awhile.

Those are my most important aspects in a man's life that I find attractive, as well as for many hetero women. There will always be individual tag ons to the list. For me, it's olive skin and/or freckles, blue and/or green eyes, someone who loves Bob Dylan, The Rolling Stones and Puccini Operas, a person who is moved by an amazing play [such as Othello]. Of course, someone with similar interests as my own, as well as a balance of their own interests makes for an interesting partner. While I am an Atheist, I don't mind dating a man of faith, because a person of good faith isn't a zealot, doesn't have to go to a house of worship every week, and never expects others to conform to their beliefs. A man who has his own friends and allows me to have mine [and we are able to bring our friends together and have a great time] - that is a textbook healthy relationship, and rightfully so!

So, women, men, people, continue in your quest for happiness. And, remember the cliche: no one can love you until you love yourself. Don't expect a happy long term relationship if you aren't comfortable with yourself and your life.


*Let me clarify, I am speaking of Urban/Suburban women in Western [primarily American] society, and are more often heterosexual.

Just Like The Name...

Love is love is love.
And, it is definately not rocket science, no matter how confusing or frustrating firguring out the motives of others.

This shall be a mix of Carrie Bradshaw, Daria [hello Gen Y television!], and my absolutely unique (and sometimes misrepresented) opinions.

Let me begin by saying that I am fairly fresh in the long term relationship field, my longest being 6 months. And, that was 6 months of intense chemistry and not much else to support said passion. Prior to that, I had another "long term relationship" - one that probably doesn't qualify as long term, as it only lasted 3 months. But that was 3 months of assumed monogamy. Assumed monogamy is a topic that requires a post of its own, which will tie into emotional cheating, and something I find people (both men and women) are guilty of doing.

But, I am feel that I am spread evenly when it comes to dating, interpersonal relationships, finding a mate, and the security in oneself to be a decent mate. I've had 8 soild years (12, if you count high school) of figuring stuff out, not only with relationships but with myself. While I don't know much, I hope to share my experiences and views with those in search of a mate (or not!).