Honesty and Being Real.

In at least one of my posts, I mentioned that all the wrong men seem to hit on me. And, while I hate to group men together, I have noticed something they all have in common: elaborate, unbelievable stories that are supposed to somehow impress me.

Let me explain how hilariously unattractive that is.:
Success in whatever it is you do is very sexy. It means you are smart enough to figure things out. It also means that you are ambitious [which often means laziness isn't your forte]. And, the sexiest thing about success is when a person is humble about it. They never use their success [financial, emotional, physical, and/or spiritual] as the most important selling point in the dating field.

Here's a little story about one of the most recent men who attempted to use stories of success to lure me in. Let me just clarify that I never physically found him attractive, and after his hideous attempts at trying to woo me made him far more unattractive than he already was. He would bend my ear for an hour at a time, telling me how he has worked on scripts for indie films, written songs for a bunch of well known musicians, done a bunch of printe and runway modelling, and is writing another book. First of all, while those feats are creatively wonderful, they aren't things that make me want to date a person.

Even in his youth, Bob Dylan wasn't an attractive man, and I probably wouldn't have wanted to persue a relationship with him, even though I find him to be one of the most talented musicians of the 20th [and 21st] century. Tom Perotta is a great writer, and seems to understand human existence. Two of his novels have become movies... But, he's just not my type.

So, as this fella went on and on about all of this stuff that he has apparently done, I couldn't help but think, "am I supposed to be impressed?" and "how do I tell him that he's full of sh*t?" Under normal circumstances, someone of his age [34] and attitude [pretentious] who has accomplished any of the above would be doing any of the following:

1. Working for a record label, most likely as a producer;
2. Working for a movie studio, production company, or working as a self-employed screenwriter/editor;
3. Working for a publishing house, or as a self-employed writer;
4. Working for a modelling agency, as a recruit [because 34 is not usually an age that photographers, runway producers, or fashion clients look for] or manager, or as a runway show producer;
5. Wouldn't be working at MetroSport in Palo Alto, and driving an old minivan.

I understand how business works. I understand how people work. I understand what people need to do in order to really be successful in things that they are passionate about.

He never quite understood why I only spoke to him if he sought me out for a conversation. He never quite understood why he isn't my type... Even when I said "I have standards, and I really don't think we're compatible."

So, everyone of every gender, if you are trying to get a date, be honest, be humble, never be aggressively persistent, especially if the person isn't interested. No one likes a liar. No one likes someone who spouts out bullsh*t. No one likes to be chased after by people they can't stand.

Most of all, don't ever make sh*t up because you think someone is dumb enough to believe you and drop trou.

Attraction.

It is what brings couples [or groups, your choice] together. It is the simple chemistry of one's brain at work. By seeing something that our brains register as appealing, which differs in each person, our brains automatically become attracted. Every time I see someone dressed up as Jack Sparrow, a large part of me lusts after them, because I find Johnny Depp far too beautiful for his own good.

Recently, it has seemed that all the wrong people are attracted to me, yet the people I find attractive and "my type" are completely unavailable [gay male or married], have different goals and morals, or fall into the general bad boy/ass hat category. Yes, I totally admit it. I am generally attracted to men I can't have. Especially married men with children. [No, it has nothing to do with an absent or abusive father. My father is still very present in my life, and plays a very supportive role. I couldn't ask for a better, more rockin' father.] The point is, there is something extremely sexy about a man who appears to be a loving husband and a strong dad. I wish that we could skip all the dating mumbo and get an immediate picture of what type of parent the people we are attracted to. The last man I was with turned out to be an overgrown little boy. He was selfish, unkind, emotionally unavailable, and after discussions of child raising, our views on discipline were as different as black and white. Yes, he had to go. No man I am with is going to believe physical punishment is reasonable. But, back to my point. Great fathers are hot. Of course, I can't be with them.

As I mentioned, it seems as though all the wrong people are attracted to me. These are people that are awesome. But, they just aren't my type. You are probably thinking "your type is married fathers." Not true. I just happen to be turned on by certain healthy married fathers [many of whom live in the Bay Area]. In a previous post, I gave a few of the essentials that are on my "attractive mate" list. Most of these things come with time. So, let me give you a list of initial things that attract me:

1. Height. Most people who know me well enough know that I am a sucker for tall guys. The taller the better, I say. Not only does the ubergirly part of me like to feel protected, the primate part of me has this stupid idea that being carried [preferably piggy back style] by a tall man is the most hilarious, exciting thing. Yes, I am in touch with my primate-ness. I feel the need to climb things, even tall men. But, if you get down to biology, I'm thinking my brain is telling me that I need to compensate for my vertically challenged-ness. For any of you who haven't met me in real life, you should know that I fall just under 5'3" and am, probably, the shortest person in my family [excluding my grandfather who is suffering from natural shrinkage].
2. Muscles. Oh dear. Muscles. I can't stand body builder muscles, but I can't stand a man without any kind of definition. Please, if your body is capable of gaining muscle and you are healthy enough to workout 3-5 times a week, work on those muscles! Strong shoulders, mildly veiny arms, a solid chest, a firm stomach, a perky butt, svelte calves... That's just hot.
3. Enough sense to be Well Dressed. While I love the look of Jack Sparrow, it's the novelty, not the actual sexual attraction. A man in a pressed buttoned down shirt with the sleeves rolled up [sky blue or white], dark slacks, square toed shoes [Kenneth Cole preferably], a nice chunky watch, and glasses. That's snappy and I love snappy. I love being in London because of the men. I can sit on the steps of the fountain at Piccadilly Circus for a couple hours and see hundreds of well dressed men. They may not have the most striking faces, but they are put together wonderfully.
4. Great Hygiene. I think that's just a given for most sexually active humans. I'm not attracted to people with unpleasant body odours. Unkempt hair of any sort is unsexy. [I get rid of the majority of the hair on my body on a fairly regular basis. That is how much body hair icks me out.] Yellow teeth, exessive fillings, chronic bad breath: unattractive. Dry, flaky skin, or excessively oily skin. Granted, there are times we can't control these things [my skin has no idea what to do with itself right now], but if guys only realised that using just ivory and shaving gel isn't sufficient skincare. In fact, it's stuff like that that makes skin worse. [Boys, please, get one of your female friends to go buy you skin stuff, and they'll come back with simple, manly stuff. All you have to do is wash your face, use some gentle nonscented shave stuff and slather on some hydration with SPF. Not only will your face look hot, girls will probably want to smooch you so much more.] Anyway. A man that smells fresh [but not like he took a bath in cologne], has a decent hairstyle, has smooth[ish], nonscruffy skin, and a decent mouth region is way sexy in my book.
5. Smile. A smile is what makes everything worthwhile. A genuine smile uses the entire face. It shows that a man can be laidback and not take life so seriously all the time. It allows us to see that he isn't afraid to laugh. And, it shows off their teeth. I am a sucker for a man with great teeth and a full face smile. Ooof. Sexytime.
6. Blue and/or Green Eyes. Perhaps it is because I have greenish blue eyes, and I come from an incredibly long line of blue eyed folk [I don't remember any of my relatives having anything but], that I am attracted to light-eyed men. I'm fond of "recessive" genes, although blue [with a tinge of green, for some] is not the recessive gene. If anyone I am related to has brown eyes, they are the eyeball mutants. :) I can't help but melt when I see bright blue eyes or turquoise eyes. There is something very mystical and erotic about them.

So, while the people who are attracted to me have a couple of the above, my brain doesn't ring the attraction alarm. There are no fireworks, no "I'll die if I don't kiss him" feelings. Okay, maybe not that dramatic, but something sounds inside. While I might consider giving these guys a chance, they aren't men I'd like to kiss. And, I absolutely love to kiss. It is so innocent, yet so intimate. I haven't met a man in a very long time that I, within minutes, want to kiss. I've met guys, I've considered them after awhile, but there is never any desire to kiss them. It is that desire, that need to kiss someone that plays a fairly large part in persuing a person. I can get along well with a person, we can share a lot of common interests, but if the chemistry isn't there, I really don't feel the need to persue a "romantic" relationship. I'll be friends, and I can do that quite easily. But, there is no point in coupling up with a person if the chemistry isn't there...

Which leads me to ask, where are all the men that give me that mutual zing? I'm getting lonely and frustrated here, and I'm bummin' hard that the guys who seem to want me are guys I have no interest in!

I am due at a wedding in a couple weeks, and plan on wearing a gorgeous Betsey Johnson dress with fabulous heels and classic makeup. Hopefully I can meet an attractive, single fella for a quick smooch. ;) You never know, weddings are a great way to meet people!

Books/Love

There are plenty of books in the world that show love drawn out in a poetic lifetime.

-Love In The Time Of Cholera, or Memories of My Melancholy Whores, and many other books by Garcia Marquez.
-Unbareable Lightnes of Being, or Slowness, by Milan Kundera are amazing examples.
-The English Patient, by Michael Ondaatje. You've probably seen the movie. If you are a female [or emotionally satisfied and secure man], there are chances you may have shed a tear.

Surely, there are hundreds, if not thousands of novels that spin magical webs of love, passion, sadness, and whatever emotion that partners with love. But, these five books are beautifully crafted displays of the humanity in and surrounding love.

Over time, I will offer snippets from each book, discuss, and end with questions regarding the passage, and perhaps even the novel as a whole. I would love to open up a discussion with anyone who stumbles upon the blogs, and you will be able to leave comments and/or email me.

Lists.

Many women*, as they get older and start settling into grown up lives, makes lists or prioritize. One of the most famous lists is expectations, traits, career and education of potential mates. All of what is on this list correlates with a woman's own background - upbringing, education, career goals, etc.

As an example, let me give you a few things are on my list:
1. He must be family oriented. The size of his family isn't extremely important, but the value of family must be strong and positive. If he has siblings, they must be friendly with each other and without any major feuds. If his parents are alive and well, his respect and admiration for them is well recieved. And, his desire to have a family of his own is essential. But, let me tell you this: if a man who has a strained or nonexistant relationship with his family desires a family of his own, I am less likely inclined to get serious with him.
2. Ambition is sexy. Having healthy goals and seeing that they are reached means he is fairly stable, emotionally/mentally strong, and willing to make the relationship work.
3. Emotional & Mental Stability. Seriously, who doesn't want their mate to be stable? Even if there is a history of depression, anxiety, trauma, etc., if the potential mate is willing and able to learn, grow, and cultivate positivity, the relationship will often times succeed. [Yes, love is a two way street, and everyone needs to give in order to recieve.] I am a woman. PMS is enough of an emotional rollercoaster (which I am happy to and currently doing my best to keep a smooth and steady ride), being with a man that is emotionally all over the place and unwilling to sort it out isn't my ideal situation.
4. Some semblance of Financial Stability is important in any long term and healthy relationship. Granted, you don't need to be millionares to be in a happy relationship (look at all these rich people with trophy wives and mulitple divorces). But, being able to feed, clothe and protect oneself is the core of a healthy human being. Both people in a relationship need to be able to take basic care of themselves. Anything extra allows for buffers. And, financial stability goes hand in hand with the desire to have a family and ambition. In these economical hard times, there isn't much room for laxidasical financial planning. A family oriented couple has to have options: CDs, IRAs, 401k's, a savings account per family member (at least two of those are handy).
5. Physical Health. I find myself more attracted to men who keep themselves in shape. I'm not talking about uber-muscular, Mr. Universe types, just men you know workout 3-5 days a week. Not only does it show that they care about their current state of being, but they probably understand that being healthy in the present often means longevity and less complications with age. Not only does exercise keep you physically healthy, it helps with mental stability. A happy, healthy man is always hot.
6. Experience in physical aspects of a relationship is more appealing to me. I am at an age where I am fairly secure with my sexuality. I know what I like and want "in the bedroom" and am more comfortable sharing that with someone with a decent level of sexual experience. I don't need to be with a Casanova type, but I don't want to be with a monastic type either. While I am willing to educate men on certian things, he should have an above basic understanding of women's sexuality.
7. A Sense of Humour is a must. He doesn't have to be artfully crafted in all sorts of humour, but understanding and amusement at pretty much anything funny allows for a more enjoyable relationship. Not only does he have to be amusing and easily amused, but I appriciate a man who doesn't take life too seriously [backtrack to mental stability]. Laughing is great for the abdominals, as well as your heart and the brain's seratonin levels. Everyone should laugh an hour a day [not all at once, but you know what I mean].
8. A Desire to Learn and/or an education. Intelligence is ubersexy. As a person who loves to learn and is open to experiencing things outside what I know, being with an educated or intelligent person wo loves to learn allows me the freedom to ask questions, explore, and want to share something new with someone. And, there is nothing like a well read man. I have often found that the more a person has read [and enjoyed what they read], the more eloquent they can be. Seriously, who doesn't love eloquence?
9. At least Two Years Older than me. I have found in my 8 years of "serious" dating, it is men a few years older than I am are often more down to earth, willing to be flexible, and less likely to stray. Younger guys [consider that I am 26], in my experience, have seemed more apprehensive, less experienced emotionally and physically, more likely to have "relationship ADD" [unable to be consistent, alert, and in tune with one relationship], and more likely want to explore. And, that is perfectly acceptable. Most guys, in general, aren't ready to settle until they are in their late 20's. I personally love an older guy [as much as 10-13 years older than myself]. Men in their early 30's are much more settled in their career, have [at least] rented their own place for a couple years, are fairly well educated, have a decent amount of sexual practice under their belt, and are happy try monogamy for awhile.

Those are my most important aspects in a man's life that I find attractive, as well as for many hetero women. There will always be individual tag ons to the list. For me, it's olive skin and/or freckles, blue and/or green eyes, someone who loves Bob Dylan, The Rolling Stones and Puccini Operas, a person who is moved by an amazing play [such as Othello]. Of course, someone with similar interests as my own, as well as a balance of their own interests makes for an interesting partner. While I am an Atheist, I don't mind dating a man of faith, because a person of good faith isn't a zealot, doesn't have to go to a house of worship every week, and never expects others to conform to their beliefs. A man who has his own friends and allows me to have mine [and we are able to bring our friends together and have a great time] - that is a textbook healthy relationship, and rightfully so!

So, women, men, people, continue in your quest for happiness. And, remember the cliche: no one can love you until you love yourself. Don't expect a happy long term relationship if you aren't comfortable with yourself and your life.


*Let me clarify, I am speaking of Urban/Suburban women in Western [primarily American] society, and are more often heterosexual.

Just Like The Name...

Love is love is love.
And, it is definately not rocket science, no matter how confusing or frustrating firguring out the motives of others.

This shall be a mix of Carrie Bradshaw, Daria [hello Gen Y television!], and my absolutely unique (and sometimes misrepresented) opinions.

Let me begin by saying that I am fairly fresh in the long term relationship field, my longest being 6 months. And, that was 6 months of intense chemistry and not much else to support said passion. Prior to that, I had another "long term relationship" - one that probably doesn't qualify as long term, as it only lasted 3 months. But that was 3 months of assumed monogamy. Assumed monogamy is a topic that requires a post of its own, which will tie into emotional cheating, and something I find people (both men and women) are guilty of doing.

But, I am feel that I am spread evenly when it comes to dating, interpersonal relationships, finding a mate, and the security in oneself to be a decent mate. I've had 8 soild years (12, if you count high school) of figuring stuff out, not only with relationships but with myself. While I don't know much, I hope to share my experiences and views with those in search of a mate (or not!).